I know I’m going to get old, piss my pants and gaggle like a baby, but if I ever catch you treating me like an asshole I will make sure that someone fucks you up. I used to do back flips off the bar on three pills you pimple headed little bitch! I deserve respect!

The venues may have changed, but nothing else has. Old people have the exact same stories that we have. OK, so we meet most of out girls in nightclubs. BIG fucking deal! Your grandfather used to bang the chic next door, or up the street in his little village in Romania.

Our grandparents might seem like conservative, old assholes. They may piss their pants when we walk in to the hospital room, but guess what? When they were young, they lived EXACTLY the same crazy life that we live. Where do you think that your personality came from douche bag? It’s right from them…

Aside: There are benefits to doing back flips in bars. You will not live as long as the ones who never did back flips and you don’t really have to worry about that many people talking around you. It’s the unlucky ones who live long that get fucked. Hopefully this chapter clears some of that shit up.

This shit sounds sweet fifty years later. How many times have you heard old people say, “yes, she was engaged to be married to someone else and then we met and fell in love…” You know what really happened? He was fucking a girl who was engaged and and he told her, “fuck him, you’re coming with me,” and that was that.

Advice: Don’t talk around old people man. They deserve the respect that they have earned.

But this does not go for all old people. You have to do some research and make sure that they have truly earned it. Then when they tell stories about the old days, you sit and you fucking listen because that old fuck was doing the same back flips that you are doing today. The only difference is that motherfucker did it before you and he has seniority.

Who knows, you may learn something…

The rule, not the exception.

For those of us that actually make the time to hit the weights and stare at chics asses,  I think you would agree there are a few things that need to be addressed in every gym;

Spandex is a privilege not a right.
Wear a fucking sports bra.
Granny panties are not acceptable gym wear.
It’s not a fashion show.
If fat and overweight (you know who you are), go to Curves.
Coming to sweat doesn’t mean no deodorant.
If ugly, no matter how tight your body, I will not fuck you.

Aside from being a great pick up spot, I prefer to use the gym as a way to unwind from a long day and find my center/inner peace. Fuck that, who am I kidding? I like breaking shit and lifting is the next best thing.

Cheers
-CD

I won’t hit on a chic at the gym unless she’s in tight tights, bent over on a leg machine with a phenomenal ass staring up at me. With that said, this beauty from Ipanema had all of the above and well, she was nothing short of amazing.

I made my way through every leg machine in her sight line (good thing I planned on working back that day) I threw gym etiquette to the wind by asking her out. I wish I can tell you I came up with some great line, but in simplicity there is beauty… And nothing as simply beautiful as the “yes” that rolled off her tongue.

Seeing as Sunday was too short a notice, and we both had plans, the next day would have to do.

Side note: Typically the easiest way to have a chic feel comfortable with you in the blink of an eye is to take her somewhere indicative of her culture/upbringing. In most cases, after religion, Brazilians love their food.

We met at Churrascaria Porcao, on Park Ave. Turns out we had a lot in common, we are both aggressive type A’s that need to get what we want and it turns out she is a Doctor, jokingly I said you aren’t a Chiropractor are you? I hear they aren’t really doctors… Apparently she found that funny and moved closer to me (I wouldn’t date a chiro, they are just average).

Through conversation, she said if I thought I was getting lucky tonight, I was sorely mistaken. Nonchalantly I said, “what makes you think I would sleep with you?” If she was anything that resembled a type A, her ego would parlay my rebuttal into a challenge.

Either way I win! No?

Being the chosen one that I am, we ended up at my place. Now I can go into details about the mind blowing sex I had with her, but the crux of the story is what happened in the morning while I was getting ready for work.

Side note 2: Brazilians, tend to be very religious (except we used a condom or 6) and respectful to older people. Plus they are the most beautiful women in the world!

My day usually begins at 5:30 in the AM, TV comes on with financial news, all the speakers throughout are a buzz with whatever the TV is spitting out.

I invite her to come shower with me and I even offered her  a toothbrush (we know it was going straight into the bin after she left, after all this was to be a one time appearance) to go with the shower. She declined saying she needed a few more minutes in bed.

OK, I had morning wood and had to basically pee upside down, I took a shower and got ready for work.

House Keeper: My house keeper is the shit, after my mother there is my house keeper and my secretary, no other women will ever come close. She has been with me for 4-5 years. She makes my breakfast, freshly squeezed OJ everyday, keeps my place clean, does my laundry and if she finds lingering thongs strewn about, she throws them away, never to be found.

I gently nudged Ipanema to get dressed and she said it;

“It’s OK, I can stay here and leave after you go to work.”

In my mind I’m like fuck no, so I did what any smart man would do. I told her to listen carefully, to which she heard my housekeeper setting my breakfast up. She asked who was that since I told her I lived alone.

I looked her square in the eye and said, “It’s my mom, she came to make me breakfast today.”

With the a look of fright and embarrassment she threw her clothes on and “convinced” me to sneak her out of my place.

Smiling I sat at the counter about to dig into my breakfast when my housekeeper bursts out laughing and says, “let me guess, I’m your mother?”

To which I said yes….

It’s now about 9:30 in the AM and I have already received 2 text messages from my Ipanema asking when we are going out again.

I think not….

Game, set and match? Me!

Ciao

Downward dog you say?

Even if you are 100% interested in actually taking yoga, you will just look like the creepy guy in the back of class who might just be staring at every woman’s backside. Again, it could also be genius. I’ll let you know my findings after my next session.

The Argument Against Yoga…

Here is what I picked up in the class (taken from here http://yoga.about.com/od/yogaposes/a/downdog.htm)

Also known as: Downward Dog, Down Dog

Type of pose: Standing, Mild Inversion, Resting

Benefits: Stretches and strengthens the whole body. Can help relieve back pain.

Downward facing dog is done many times during most yoga classes. It is a transitional pose, a resting pose and a great strengthener in its own right. It may be the first yoga pose you encounter as you begin a yoga practice. Downward dog is so prevalent, even people who have never done yoga have probably heard of it.

Instructions:

1. Come to your hands and knees with the wrists underneath the shoulders and the knees underneath the hips.

2. Curl the toes under and push back raising the hips and straightening the legs.

3. Spread the fingers and ground down from the forearms into the fingertips.

4. Outwardly rotate the upper arms broadening the collarbones.

5. Let the head hang, move the shoulder blades away from the ears towards the hips.

6. Engage the quadriceps strongly to take the weight off the arms, making this a resting pose.

7. Rotate the thighs inward, keep the tail high and sink your heels to the floor.

8. Check that the distance between your hands and feet is correct by coming forward to a plank position. The distance between the hands and feet should be the same in these two poses. Do not step the feet toward the hands in Down Dog in order the get the heels to the floor. This will happen eventually as the muscles lengthen.

Beginners: Try bending your knees, coming up onto the balls of your feet, bringing the belly to rest on the thighs and the sit bones up high. Then sink your heels, straightening the legs keeping the high upward rotation of the sit bones. Also try bending the arms slightly out to the side, drawing the chest towards the thighs. Then restraighten the arms.

Advanced: If you are very flexible, try not to let the rib cage sink towards the floor creating a sinking spine. Draw the ribs in to maintain a flat back. Try holding the pose for five minutes, placing a block under your head for support

Posted in Commentary, Men's Interest Tagged: hot chics in precarious positions, yoga ]]> http://casualdater.wordpress.com/2009/04/06/downward-douche/feed/ 4 Casual Dater Yoga Chic 2417554_a73f6ebdd1 http://casualdater.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/sober-are-you-kidding-man/ http://casualdater.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/sober-are-you-kidding-man/#comments Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:02:57 +0000 Casual Dater http://casualdater.net/?p=453 ]]> Originally written a while back…

How could sobriety be fun?

I’ve been sober for the last two weeks and I can’t remember the last time I was so fucking bored. Wait, I remember it was when I was in jail! Now that I think about it, I was hung over in jail and I think that I actually might have had more fun in jail than I’ve had in the last two weeks.

Side note: Truth be told, Neither have I been in jail nor has it been two weeks. It has only been one week, but I am so fucking bored that it feels like two. This is a fact of sobriety. Time passes slowly.

Imagine not drinking and partying anymore. You have two choices: exercise, or eat like a fucking pig and get fat. That is precisely what happens to married men who stop going out. Everyone says booze makes you fat but actually, all the meals you miss when you’re a boozer more than balances that out.

Married men don’t really booze anymore because they know that if they have a cocktail or two before they get home, she will piss on his character for the rest of the evening and maybe tomorrow, too. There is only one thing left to do…EAT! Being fat is just no fun. Especially because you will now be a hypocrite for making fun of fat people.

The other side of the spectrum is exercise, which is what I have been trying lately. Yes, you start to feel good and all that shit and you get fit, but you instantly become the boring prick who always talks about his exercise routine. Do you really think that there is a single person out there who really wants to hear about how many fucking minutes you jump rope? No man, I am embarrassed to say that I have fallen into this trap. I feel like jumping off a building because in my boozing days (which I intend to bring back very, very soon, like maybe right now) I would laugh and make fun of people like me.

Advice: Sobriety sucks and you will find yourself in a black and white life like “Leave it to Beaver” if you do not keep a check on yourself.

There is a reason why there are so many bars and clubs out there… People love to booze, do drugs and get laid, as they should! Don’t let the others fool you into believing that boozing is wrong. As long as you don’t turn into slurring, spitting and molesting Joe when you are wasted, it is even OK to get belligerently, black out drunk.

FUCK EM! Who the fuck are they anyway?

Happy Boozing!

There are a few types of men out there. The one I choose to talk about in this post is the little bitch ass motherfuckers who can’t stand on their own two feet that will probably sell out their best friends just to ingratiate themselves into a woman’s life.

In posts gone by one recurring line about women is “they don’t make them like they used to.” Too bad it’s not limited to women. There are  a bevy of men that fit that category. Hell they probably had the line made for them.

Said bitch boys, typically have delusions of grandeur thinking they will bed the babe unlucky enough to land on their radar. However it is safe to say if she does acknowledge him she wraps him in a bow and puts him into the friend box.

Bitch boys are also known to lack a spine and the testicular fortitude to take  a Type A head on. Instead they choose to hide in the shadows and “pass notes” trying to get ahead instead of swallowing a cock.

Now I’d like to hear from my  women readers (but not limited to) that read this blog. What is your opinion on these sniveling little bitches that try to pass themselves off as men, and when last have you met a real man that took charge, whose answer to your questions wasn’t “anything you want to do”, you know the one cut from the same cloth as say Steve McQueen…

Cheers

Posted in Commentary, JBIC, Real Life Tagged: Bitch boy, men ]]> http://casualdater.wordpress.com/2009/03/31/bitch-boys/feed/ 0 Casual Dater Bitch Boy Steve McQueen