I’m not in love with a stripper…

Spot: W on 30th and Lexington
Chic: 26, Native American/Scottish
Occupation: Stripper

Now this isn’t my first foray with a stripper outside of the clubs, but it was definitely memorable. I picked up the scent of a gold digger when I spoke to her earlier that day. So I figured I would wine her, dine her and of course 69 her (that is a side note).

I get to the hotel bar, I picked her out from behind, great legs and a nice posture. Decided that tonight I was going balls to the wall, all out.

Eased up behind her and whispered “can I buy you a drink” into her ear, while gently resting my hand on her hip.

Without flinching to my touch she says OK.

First off she has that annoying central Jersey Accent, imagine being on a date with Fran Drescher the Nanny.

Now I have never done coke, but been around many that have, so I can usually tell when someone is coked out or coming down.

Anyway we are drinking, I’m still deciding if she is worth me getting a room at the W. She is telling me that it is pretty hard working in the strip clubs, being on your feet for hours on end (beats laying on your back like a whore) these days because none of the bankers are coming in. It’s called a recession you stupid cunt!

Here is where it really went downhill for me;
1. She had no etiquette
2. She slurps
3. Her pictures were hot and she wasn’t
4. Her lips were minuscule, to the point where like other women she made them bigger with her lipstick. (Ladies you know who you are, get fucking collagen)

All of the above made me do one thing, drink!

Goose after Goose she started to look better and better till after my fifth or sixth drink she was Bo Derek from 10.

Decided that she isn’t worth the headache of talking to anymore, our wait for the check consisted of Yes or NO conversation on my part. And she wouldn’t shut the fuck up!

Finally the check comes and like every other chic in NY she sits there like a paraplegic, just looking at me pay the bill. (before you bleeding heart mother fuckers say anything, I have nothing against paraplegics) Really? It’s not like I would even let you pay, but the simple “act” as if you would try to pay goes a long way.

Being the whore she truly is she invites me to her place for a drink or 2, thoroughly drunk I agree. Get back to her place her room mate is laid out on the couch with a half bottle of Absolut left and seriously stunning.

This chic tries leading me to her room, but how could me of all people, be rude to her room mate and not sit for a bit to chit chat. First question, how do you know her, the room mate says, oh we work together. That was the answer I was looking for, 2 strippers under one roof. We continue to talk and she is actually smart, goes to Law School on the side. All of a sudden we hear “Oh fuck” so we got up to check on my “date”, turns out she gambled and lost.

For those of you who know me, well you know what that means.

For those of you that don’t, she basically tried farting but some shit came out.

She jumps up and starts freaking out, runs to her bathroom, I go to the living room and start drinking more with her room mate, within minutes, the room mate and I are under the blanket on the couch playing tonsil hockey.

My x-date comes out to catch us and says I don’t usually mess myself.

I say, I don’t hook up with chics that shit themselves.

Apparently stripper number 2 decided to grow a conscience and take her friends side.

Figured that it was better to cut bait and leave.

I walked out and haven’t heard from her….

Note to self, maybe I should start walking around with wet wipes?

Worst make out line from a chic ever…

Spot: Blue Owl
Chic: 37/Indian
Body type: Fit
Occupation: Teacher I think

I’m on my second Match.com date for the night.

We are meeting at a bar around Union Square, nice spot, drinks are good, people are hot, I guess they just didn’t let ugly people in.

I get there about 10 mins early to settle in and make friends with the bartender (the bartender can be your best friend if you want to get laid with the chic or ditch the bitch) and claim my spot at the bar.

Eventually she gets there, orders a Tanqueray and tonic, she sits on a bar stool, pulls me closer so her knee is in between my legs (I’m standing). We are talking about why we are on match, she says I’m her first date, I tell her she is prob somewhere between my 100th and 125th date maybe off of match.

The refreshing thing is when she asks if I’m a womanizer I say yes, and this is where its starts to get interesting.

Her knee brushing up against my cock, she keeps leaning in sand smelling me. Finally her drink gets to her. After a sip she hops off of her stool while saying “How tall are you?”, before I could answer she lunges for my mouth and starts kissing me, my kind of woman, no effort at all.

She sits back down, chuggs her drink and says lets go back to her place.

Me, willing, ready and able decided I’ll make to trek to fucking Brooklyn for a piece of her ass.

Get to her place, we are fucking, I’m probing her ass with my finger to see if she would be into anal, and no resistance from her or her ass. I’m thinking this is fucking awesome, I had never fucked an Indian chic in the ass.

Side note: She sucked at giving head and kissing.

After about an hour of fucking we fall asleep, have to give her credit, she wasn’t a cuddler.

Don’t ask me what time, but her fucking dog jumps on the bed and I wake up to something licking my thigh, I’m thinking OK she wants round 2. I turn over and I see her little mutt licking me and I push it away.

I tried going back to sleep, but the mutt kept jumping on the bed, then I realized the entire place smelt like dog.

Thinking that karma gives you back what you give out. I wake up the chic and tell her to drop me home, I mean how many times have I had to walk out into the cold to drop a bitch home.

Almost to my place, she says that she wants me to add her on Facebook, being a nice guy this time I ask her if its Sarah with an H or without an H? She hits the brakes (thank god for seatbelts) and the car skids to a stop on the exit ramp of the Brooklyn Bridge. in Manhattan. All I heard was “who the fuck do you think you are, that you can fuck me and not even know my name?”

I really thought her name was Sara(h), apparently it was Sandra. Honest mistake right?

She starts going on and on about guys just wanting to use her for her body. So I told her, why buy the cow if you are already getting the milk for free.

I guess that was the last straw because she basically kicked me out of her car.

Few hours later, I get a friend request on Facebook from her, so I politely declined sending her an email saying I didn’t want milk for that cow anymore.

She texted me everynight after to meet up with her, but I guess the chase was better than the catch…

Covert escape…

Spot: Tenjune
Chic: Unknown/WASP
Body type: Fit
Occupation: ???

Personally I think some women are way too trusting.

After a long day at work, I decided to switch it up and to go to a bar that is out of my comfort zone. So I hailed a cab and told him to take me to a bar where the women were easy and the liquor flowed like water. Should have realized that he would take me to the Meat Packing District. I pick my spot, Tenjune. Mind you I have been here before for dinner, but never just for drinks. I make my way inside, like every other alcoholic I ease my way to the bar and create my space. After 3 Goose ‘n Clubs in about 20 mins or so, I see her. My goddess for the night. She walks up to the bar and orders a cosmo, this being one of the few times I actually have cash on me as opposed to plastique, I throw down a 20, not expecting much change, after all it was a fruity drink in the meat packing.

We start talking, she is somewhat interesting but fucking gorgeous, we laugh, we flirt, whispering into each other ears, she is licking her lips and the foreplay starts, and we begin to make out at the bar as if no one was watching. I still remember her taste and her scent, Narciso Rodriguez, clearly a woman with exquisite taste (high maintenance).

My ego was on steroids, dozens of guys staring with envy as I took her by the hand and led her out of the bar with my chest puffed up like a peacock strutting its stuff.

I’m pulling out all the stops here tonight, this wasn’t the usual chic I hook up with, she had proper breeding and expected a certain kind of treatment, as if she were almost entitled to it. Who was I to complain?

It was raining when we got outside, so I took off my suit jacket and held it over her head while I tried to catch a cab.

Eventually we get to her place and animal instinct takes over, we are tearing each others clothes off. Grabbed her by the ass and put her up against a wall and I started licking every part of her body, hearing her moan and groan just made me want her more. I think we tried every possible position known to mankind and a few others that left me hurting.

Next morning we wake up and she rolls over to kiss me, I’m thinking this could be a chic I would actually date.

But wish my luck she had to completely fuck it up.

Chic: Morning baby, I had a really good time last night, I just want you to know that I don’t usually do these things:
Me: (thinking here we go again) Its OK, I don’t think of you any differently as I did last night.
Chic: OK, I’m going to the gym downstairs, when I come back up we can go get breakfast.
Me: Sure, wake me up when you get back.

I thought to myself, is this chic fucking serious, she didn’t know me from a whole in the wall and she was leaving me all alone in her apartment, WTF

SHe must be nuts!

As soon as she left her apartment, I threw my clothes on tried to fix my hair and as I was walking out I saw her cell lying on the floor.

At that moment I had an epiphany, I didn’t want this chic calling me again, so I searched thru her dialed calls and her phonebook to delete my number and I walked out of her apartment and her life…

Houseguest

Spot: A few
Chic: 27/Mexican
Body type: Fit
Occupation: Student

*****REPOST from 12/16/08I know its been while, but I just haven’t been going out in the last couple of weeks.

To those of you who have been emailing and asking for updates. Here is a little story from about almost a year ago to hold you over.

One of my friends invited me out to meet her girlfriends, had no plans so I called my wing man and asked if he would like to come with. Few hours later I get the the Upper East Side, Molly Pitcher and Ale House to be exact. My friend introduces me to her roommates cousin, now the roommate is the size of Pluto, fuck that its no longer a planet, she was the size of Saturn. I’m halfway expecting a nasty fat cunt who smells!

All of a sudden she steps in front of me, its as if the gods decided for once that the chic would be smoking hot. Lets call her “eaR-sixelA”. We are having fun, she seems like the anti goldigger type, lives out of state, figure 2000 miles away and sarcastic as hell. The night is coming along, 6 dirty martini’s later she, yes she leans over and says, “so you wanna get out of here.” By pure reflex I said ok my place is not too far from your cousins pad.

Walked outside to catch a cab, it was so cold my nipples were perked up. Cab ride was good, stripped her top and bra off, got some head, hell the cabby even got a show, get back to my place and do the main event.

Next day she goes out and about with her cousin, we exchange numbers and she goes the fuck back to Texas.

This is where the story gets interesting……………..

Over the next 2 or 3 weeks this cunt starts texting me about 80 or 90 times a day with maybe 5 replies from me. This hot, dirty little Mexican would say the nastiest things in these messages and eventually said she wanted to come back to see me.

Me being me, I said ok and she could stay with me thinking I would have a weekend of sex.

Here is the problem, by the time we got to the day of her arrival I was so sick of her texting and calling me, I didn’t even want her here.
She should have seen the warning signs.

1. the day before she came I told her I would be too tired t pick her up from the airport.
2. dodged all of her calls the day she was coming in.
3. told her i had a date the night before she came in.
Midnight hits and my doorman calls to say she is here, so I say let her up, she gets to my door all pissy that I didn’t go downstairs to get her. What the fuck, what sense does it make for me to go downstairs just to come back upstairs minutes later?

Bitches be crazy!

She was all about wanting to go out and have a couple drinks, but I told her I was tired, so we stayed in and I faked passing out so I didn’t have to speak to her.

Wake up on Saturday Morning and the mere sound of her saying morning babe just made me want to slit my throat.

Decided I would fake sick so we wouldn’t have to go out. Was kinda cool having someone pamper me all day and give me a massage. Figured I would reward her and give her the cock she came for.

We are making out, moaning and groaning, and all the other stuff (for this story you don’t need an actual description of the sex). Eventually I get tired of fucking her in the pussy so I flip her over, put her on all fours and spread her cheeks to stuff that ass.

All excited, I put some spit in my hand to lube her up, I look down at the target and I SEE HAIR.

Instantly I loose all wood and and just get plain disgusted.

WHAT RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO PLAN TO COME SEE ME AND NOT GET A FUCKING BRAZILIAN DONE? Who does that (or doesnt do that) in this day and age!

Totally loosing any interest or intent of fucking her again, I rolled over, put my clothes on and decided to go hang out with a buddy leaving her at my place.

Throwing back a pint or two with my buddy trying to figure out how I’m getting her out of my place asap. It dawns on me, stay out late till she goes to bed and when I wake up the next day and pick a fight.

Why couldn’t she be like every other chic you fuck who thinks to themselves, how is this douche gonna try to get rid of me (don’t fool yourself into think you are so slick that chics don’t think this). They have better game than us.

That is how we left it, Monday morning she arose with the sun and left for the airport asking for a kiss, had to be honest, told her I couldn’t kiss her if she didn’t brush her teeth.

Moral of the story is, no matter how horny you are, or dirty she is. Never ever invite a bitch from out of town to stay with you, you will be tied to her for the entire time.

And ladies, yes I know women read this, wax your cooch and ass. No guy wants to floss with your pubes….